Serena Wadhwa, MA
APAGS Member
(This article was first published in the Winter 2002 issue
of the APAGS Newsletter.)
As a student of psychology, communication is key. We use communication to
understand clients, understand the expectations of our supervisors and
instructors, and understand theories and clinical applications. We communicate
in all aspects of being a student. Communication with ourselves is also an
important part of the path, and something that students may not devote much time
to. Understanding our own feelings and reactions to situations and clients is an
important and powerful method for gaining personal insight.
In my first year as a doctoral student, I was exposed to a phenomenon known
as transference. The notion seemed rather simple reading it in "black and
white," although professors discussed its complexities. Despite this, I
thought that I had developed a good understanding of this construct and did not
really consider it further. After all, I was not conducting therapy sessions
with clients at the time. Over time, however, I realized that this concept of
transference, as well as countertransference, exists within every relationship
developed, particularly as a student. This was an important lesson I learned in
my education and training.
When I started my diagnostic practicum, I was excited about the challenges I
would undoubtedly face. Administering psychological tests and learning the
process of interpretation, integration, and the recommendation of appropriate
treatment goals fascinated me. Anxiety and excitement were present because I
found myself in a new place, with new responsibilities, and learning new skills.
Like others in my situation, I consider myself competent, as I would not have
made it this far in my educational pursuits if I were not. Discovering new
things about myself is always an opportunity for growth, and I believe it can be
a fun and exciting adventure - or so I thought.
My supervisor was extremely knowledgeable, and I was taught to respect those
qualities in an educator. This is a familial and cultural value. I look upon
professors and educators as icons of knowledge and wisdom that I want to
possess. I listen to what they have to say, believing they will help fulfill my
hunger for a similar knowledge and wisdom. So when my supervisor placed demands
and expectations on me that were not clear, I interpreted this as his way of
providing me with an opportunity to gain the knowledge and wisdom I sought. At
the time, I lacked the confidence to tell him what I thought - that he was
unclear and not very helpful — partly because I was taught to never question
authorities, particularly educators, and partly due to a lack of assertiveness
on my part. Because I was not receiving the training in test interpretation and
integration that was supposed to be a part of this practicum experience, I took
it upon myself to find alternative ways to gain the experience. I spent hours
reading and taking notes to better understand what I needed to in order to be an
effective assessor. I enlisted the assistance of colleagues to gain better
conceptualization skills. I felt my efforts would improve my perceived deficits,
but they did not. It seemed that nothing I did was ever good enough. I began
doubting myself, feeling that I was not competent. I was uncomfortable in my new
environment, feeling that I did not fit in, as I was the only minority in a
Caucasian, upper class suburb. These cultural differences were never addressed
in my supervision - by either my supervisor or me. Although I knew they existed,
the level of discomfort I felt with my supervisor prevented me from bringing
these issues up in our supervision meetings. I did not feel like I was being
genuine and I felt an indescribable pressure to be someone I was not. Soon I
began dreading going to the site. Nevertheless, I persisted in my work, as I
wanted to prove my ability.
Despite the energy I invested, my efforts appeared to go unnoticed. I ended
up with a remediation plan, including several recommendations I was obligated to
follow. Diligently, I followed through, but to no avail. I was later told that
things did not seem like they would work out. At the time, I felt this was a
personal attack that questioned my integrity as a psychologist-to-be, and at the
core, my integrity as a person.
I shared my experience with several professors. What I began to realize was
that I was responding to the complexities of the transference-countertransference
phenomena. I felt that everything was my fault, and did not realize that my
supervisor may also share part of the responsibility. Part of my internal
experience was a reaction to the projected characteristics of my supervisor. I
gained the knowledge of what a countertransference reaction was like. This was
quite an experiential lesson.
My reason for sharing my experience is two-fold. First, I believe that many
students experience feelings of incompetence and self-doubt - some refer to this
as "imposter syndrome." What I discovered was that the interaction
between my supervisor and I (the unseen dynamics involved, unresolved issues
existing on both sides, as well as ethnicity and gender differences) contributed
to the severity of my self-doubt. Additionally, I gained the knowledge of what
it feels like when my internal experience is incongruent with the perceived
outside. Everything on the outside was perfect, and yet here I was struggling
with imperfections and feeling uncomfortable with them. In retrospect, I do not
believe this was something I completely owned. The complexities of the
transference-countertrasference experience played a role.
Second, I learned the importance of communication. Although I grew up with
the value to respect my educators, what I learned is that communicating with
myself as well as sharing my thoughts and feelings is very important. There are
tactful ways of expressing discomfort and anxiety without being disrespectful.
Eventually, I gained the confidence to express my needs and thoughts. This is
important to do as a student. Regardless of the outcome, making your needs and
thoughts known as a student is important for your training (and for your
sanity).
Here are a few suggestions (that I learned through my own experience) that
may be helpful if students find themselves in a similar situation:
- Talk about your feelings of self-doubt, incompetence, and
insecurities. After my experience, when I opened up about the situation, many
students expressed similar emotions. I realized that although I felt I was the
only student experiencing these feelings, in reality, I was not.
- Communicate and be aware of what is happening. It is
important to be aware of what you are feeling and to understand where your
feelings likely originate. Respectfully assert your needs and communicate your
thoughts within the boundaries of your relationship. It may be uncomfortable
initially, but it might prevent future conflict and struggle.
- Enlist the assistance of a professor or other mentors whom
you trust to help filter your feelings and reactions. I found this tactic to be
priceless in the process of understanding what happened and why it happened.
- Believe in yourself. Remind yourself that you are not an
imposter. This was something I had to relearn through my experience. Because I
was not fully aware of what was happening, I doubted myself. Regaining faith in
myself was something I discovered as I began to understand the power of
transference and countertransference, as well as the power of communication.
