Life as a Mexican Man: Conceptions of Masculinity
Lizette Ojeda, MA
University of Missouri - Columbia
My interest in understanding Mexican
masculinity was due in part by not understanding the men in my
familia. I didn’t understand their attitudes, beliefs, values,
and behaviors about life and more specifically, about women. Why did
I never see them cry? Why did they engage in machista
behavior? Why did they turn to alcohol to cope with their problems?
And despite all this, why were they willing to risk their lives for
the sake of their family?
And so, to help answer some of my questions
about what it means to be a Mexican man, I decided to initiate a
qualitative study to better understand the masculinity of working
class Mexican immigrant men. Most of these men were in the U.S.
while their families were in México. Ages ranged from 22 to 40
years. Their education level ranged from 3rd grade to
some college. What follows are some of the topics that I focused on
during the interviews and some preliminary themes that have emerged.
Childhood
When they were
growing up, the men stated that they learned to be macho. They
learned that women stayed at home with kids while men worked. One
man who was raised by his mom said, “She taught me how to be a man
based on a woman’s view of how a man should be.” Men also reported
that during childhood, they learned that a man is always willing to
help their family and to work hard.
Family
The men’s role in their family was to send them
money to México and make sure they have everything they need. To do
this, the youngest participant had to drop out of high school
because he is the oldest son and comes from a single mother
household. The men whose partners were in México felt guilt because
their wives had to take their place at home. Their role as fathers
were to pay for their children’s education. The fathers wished that
they would be with their family so that their children would listen
to them since they are the man. One father shared that his youngest
daughter was born in his arms, but since then has not seen her. It’s
been 7 years.
Responsibility
The men believed that their #1 responsibility
was to financially support their family. Many stated that they are
in the U.S. to build a home back in México for their family. Two men
stated that they worked in a chemically hazardous factory but that
it is worth it for the sake of their family. The men stated that if
they could not fulfill their family responsibilities they would feel
like a failure. Many said that not fulfilling their family
obligations was no option because there are people who depend on
them.
Masculinity
The men believed
that to be “a man” is to work hard, be responsible, keep one’s word,
have many women, respect women, not to cry, and to be the man of
one’s castle. One man stated that he did not feel “complete” as a
man because he has made mistakes; he has been with other women. He
shared, “I know that it’s not good because I don’t value myself and
I disrespect my wife. My wife asks me, but I deny it. I did this
because I couldn’t resist women who approach me. I did it because my
wife is not here with me, besides she can’t see what I’m doing.” The
men stated that they would feel “less than a man” if they were
physically or psychologically abusive to others, lost self-control,
not able to help their family, not faithful to their partners, not
responsible, and becoming the man that they did not want to be.
The men stated that the best thing about being
a man was the power, control, and opportunities they were privileged
that many women don’t have. They also enjoyed being able to do what
they want and go where they wanted without being questioned. Others
believed that the best part was enjoying the responsibilities of
being a man and making sure to carry them through.
At the same time, men stated that having too
many responsibilities was a downfall of being a man. “You have to
put your own needs aside to fulfill that of your family,” shared one
man. Others did not like how men identified themselves by the
control they have over women rather than the control they have
within themselves. Not feeling able to tell people one’s problems
was another con to being a man. Another participant expressed, “The
worst part of being a man is “being a man.” Furthermore, being
stereotyped as a typical Mexican man was considered a negative
aspect of being a man.
Machismo
The men stated that machismo represents
insecurity in a man. “Machismo is a way that a man handles their
fear of being out of control and alone.” It is also, “Wanting to
have control over someone because you don’t have control of
yourself.” Other men stated that it represented abuse toward women
and lack of principles. Some men said it represented an inability to
resist the desire to conquer women. It was also seen as acting on
impulse without thinking. One man stated, “I’ve been accused of
being gay because I am faithful to my partner. I think the best way
to minimize machismo is to learn and understand why you are a
macho.” Most men agreed that machismo represented a need to control
women and not want to help out with household chores. The men
recognized that machismo contaminates a marriage and family.
Psychological
Wellbeing
When asked what causes them stress, the men
reported excess work, money problems, adapting to the U.S. culture,
not being able to help one’s family, and not being able to do
something that they want to do. More specifically, they stated that
the most stressful part of being a man is not knowing how to handle
stress, which often leads to substance abuse. One man said, “My dad
is an alcoholic, the men in my family are alcoholics, that’s what I
learned about how to escape from my problems. Alcohol is a tool that
is used to share your emotions that you otherwise couldn’t do if you
weren’t under the influence. I deal with stress through alcohol.
Even though it’s not the healthiest, but it’s the easiest. Mexican
men drink alcohol because it allows them to do courageous things
that they couldn’t have done without alcohol.” Other men stated
that they handle their stress by talking with their partners and
family, going to church, painting, reading, and exercising.
When asked what it means to show one’s
emotions, some men stated that it shows yourself and your
vulnerabilities. Some men said that they do not like to show their
emotions for fear that someone will hurt them. One man stated, “A
Mexican man closes his heart because of previous negative
experiences which makes it hard for people to get in. It’s important
to understand our history to know why we are macho and avoid
emotions more so than White men. Similar to Native Americans who
also have issues with substance abuse, we had our land taken away
from us by Europeans and also the southern part of what is currently
the U.S.”
Perceptions of Mexican Men
I asked the men what they thought people’s
opinions were about Mexican men. Almost all the men stated the same
perceived opinions of being macho, alcoholic, promiscuous, ignorant,
gardener or construction worker, trouble maker, hard worker, and
untrustworthy. I asked them if they agreed with these perceptions.
Most men said that there was some truth to it. “There are some
Mexican men who are really bad. They ruin it for the rest of us.”
I interviewed these men by myself in the
privacy of their homes. I wondered what role my gender would play in
our interactions. Would they feel a need to hide some parts of
themselves for fear of being judged by a woman? Would they try to
portray themselves in a more positive light? Probably so.
Nevertheless, these men did trust me enough to share their thoughts,
beliefs, and emotions with me. They took a risk and allowed me to
enter their world. They taught me about the joys and struggles of
being a Mexican man. And for this, I am grateful.
Counseling Latino Men: Not All Are Created Equal
Lizette Ojeda, MA
University of Missouri - Columbia
When you think of Latino men, what do you think
of? Do machismo, substance abuse, and violence come to mind? While
these are some of the common stereotypes of Latino men, they are
also, unfortunately, real issues that effect this population of men
in great numbers. Fortunately though, there are also many Latino men
who present with issues in counseling other than the aforementioned.
Before I first began counseling Latino men, I
have to admit that I was biased and expected to encounter issues of
machismo, substance abuse, and/or violence. My agenda was to help
these men for the sake of their families who suffered as a result of
their male power and problems. Quite frankly, I perceived the Latino
man to be the source of familial problems. I thought it would be
challenging to see these men past their machismo and all the baggage
that comes with it. Very soon however, I began to see my Latino male
clients past their woman-suppressing problems. I began to see them
as victims of society’s expectations of men, and even more so of
Latino men. I did not expect to counsel Latino men who shared their
emotions and souls with me, but this is exactly what they did.
I will share a brief story of one of my Latino
male clients (using a pseudonym and removing identifiable
information) to (a) present a client with less typical problems
characteristic of the Latino male, (b) bring to light macho behavior
that the client was oblivious to, (c) discuss my experience as a
Latina counseling Latino men.
Like many Mexican immigrants, Julian had
emigrated to the U.S. for a piece of the “American pie.” His two
years of college education liberated him from working labor jobs and
instead worked in homecare as a nurse’s aid. Julian was a frantic
man, desperate to save his marriage and family. Julian, reported
that his wife had been seeing a younger man for about a year and
finally wanted to leave with him. Through his tears, he expressed
feelings of humiliation, anger, and previous homicidal thoughts
toward his wife and her lover. He so desperately wanted her to stay
with him, that he “wished her to have an accident that would leave
her paralyzed so that she could never leave” him. Julian had
convinced his wife to stay with him by begging on his knees, crying,
and reminding her of their 5-year-old daughter, who would suffer
without a complete family. Eventually however, his wife left him and
their daughter behind. Literally overnight, Julian went from the
sole breadwinner who was rarely at home because of working two jobs,
to being a single father. Julian experienced distress not only
because his wife had left him, but because he now had to view
fatherhood very differently. His anxiety of single fatherhood came
from a fear of being a bad father, as was his perception of his own.
Julian never wanted any children because he perceived the world as
too corrupt. In fact, he admitted to “convincing” his wife to four
previous abortions. He felt guilt about the abortions and was
overwhelmed with fear that God would punish him by taking his only
child away. As time went by however, Julian was able to let go of
his hope for his wife’s return and was able to decrease his anxiety
about being a single father.
Throughout our work, it became apparent that
Julian was struggling with abandonment and childhood issues. Julian
had stated that he was not a macho like his father, although his
only request was that his wife iron his clothes. While Julian was
not an alcoholic, physically abusive, or a “macho like his father,”
he did demonstrate less subtle forms of machismo that he was not
aware of perhaps because of the severity of which he was exposed to
during childhood by his father. For instance, he had used his power
as a man to control his wife (e.g., abortions, keeping her from
leaving him). Furthermore, he felt humiliated as a man for having
been abandoned by his wife. After all, he had learned from his
father that a woman’s purpose was to serve a man. He also believed
that it was a woman’s job to raise a child, especially a daughter.
Despite Julian’s not so obvious acts of machismo to the Latino
macho, his seeking out counseling services should be recognized as a
non-macho act given that Latinos underutilize counseling services in
general.
My experience as a Latina counseling Latino men
has been a challenging yet a fulfilling experience. As a young
Latina woman counseling older Latino men, I had to deal with anxiety
about my credibility. After all, how can I help an older man work on
“man’s stuff” if I am just a young woman who couldn’t possibly
understand, right? Luckily, my own fear of how Latino male clients
would perceive me was actually greater than that of reality. As a
Latina, I have had to listen to Latino men’s stories about the
negative treatment of the women in their lives. At times, this is
difficult to do because I too am a woman. But I have learned to see
my Latino male clients past their negative behaviors and into their
hearts full of pain. As a Latina counselor, I am a tool for Latino
men to learn how to positively relate to women. I am a woman who can
assure my Latino male clients that they are no less of a man should
they share their pain and sorrow. I am a safe place where they can
come and shed society’s expectations of them as Latino men…at least
for a while.
Anxiety, Sexuality, and Fitting in Nowhere: Case Report
Mitchell Hicks, PhD
Independent Practice
Assistant Professor of Counseling and Human Services
Roosevelt University
In the present article, I present an example of
my work with a Latino male whom I will call “Miguel.” Since this is
a treatment that took place a considerable time ago and his current
location is unknown, it was not possible to secure his permission to
present this case. Therefore, significant details regarding his
background and issues presented that may serve to identify him or
locate where this treatment took place have been removed, altered,
or fictionalized.
Theoretical Considerations
Santiago-Rivera, Arredondo, and Gallardo-Cooper
(2002) provide important concepts to understand when working with
and attempting to establish trust with Latino clients:
-
Personalismo –
orientation toward the person always being more important than
the task at hand, including time.
-
Plática – a form
of “personable small talk” linked to personalismo
orientation. Engaging in conversation of more personal
nature that may include more surface disclosures about
therapist and his/her background
-
Respeto –
sensitivity to the individual’s position and creates a
boundary within which conversations should be contained to
avoid conflict. (Language reinforces hierarchy)
-
Dignidad – value
actions that enhance sense of pride
-
Simpatía –
Easy-going, friendly, and fun persona
-
Confianza –
Development of trust, intimacy, and familiarly (relational)
-
Cariño –
Demonstrations of endearments in verbal and nonverbal
communication
-
Gender Roles
-
Marianismo –
girls are to grow up to honor the model of the Virgin Mary:
pure, long-suffering, nurturing, and pious.
-
Machismo – Often
stereotyped concept of sexist and chauvinistic behavior.
Actually refers to being an honorable and respectable man.
Psychodynamic Theory in General
-
Moncayo (1998)
proposed a reformulation of psychodynamic psychotherapy based on
Lacan’s conception of Freud from a postmodern perspective. He
argued that for minorities in general, and Latinos in
particular, focusing on ego-adaptation to [majority] society is
akin to the learning to obey the master. This is rooted
primarily in the “American ideology of individualism and the
self-made entrepreneur.” In contrast, concentrating on
de-repression of unconscious material is akin to emancipation.
This does not make the same assumptions about “primitive”
defenses. Although I do not completely agree with this stance,
it does highlight the need for care in terms of to what the
patient is being asked to adapt and may serve to broaden what is
considered functional.
-
Relatedly, some have
proposed the concept of “connection/disconnection” to replace
the separateness/relatedness dialectic that underlies
psychodynamic and systemic thinking (e.g., Jackson & Greene,
2000). Specifically, the ideal of connection refers to being
bonded with others, particularly family members, in a manner
that personal growth is allowed to occur. Implied in this
concept is that being detached and totally autonomous is just as
pathological as being so tightly linked that the patient gives
up (or is denied) his or her own agency. This concept seems to
better articulate a metric by which to judge the health and
quality of object relationships by placing the concept of
“growth-producing relatedness” at the fore. This may also serve
to more accurately represent what the original psychoanalytic
and family systems theorists were describing as it has never
been considered healthy to achieve a separation that is marked
by emotional and relational disengagement.
Case
Material
Miguel is a single Latino male in his 20’s who
initially presented for treatment after being referred for
psychotherapy by his psychiatrist. At that time, he reported
experiencing considerable anxiety most days but denied having panic
attacks. He frequently worried about his performance on the job and
about making friends. Client indicated that he has always had a
small amount of anxiety, but that it increased exponentially during
his first semester in college. His symptoms were so strong at that
time that he performed poorly in most of his classes, which
increased his anxiety. He now fears that he may not be successful
in his new employment situation. At that time, it seemed as if one
of his core concerns was tension between his religious values with
regard to sexual behavior (e.g., no masturbation, remain a virgin)
and his very active sexual fantasy life, strong libido, frequent
masturbation and viewing pornography. In addition to the guilt he
felt with this struggle, he seemed fairly isolated. When I began
seeing him, he had done little work on the sexual issues as he was
uncomfortable discussing them with a previous therapist, who was
female. In addition to the above stated problems, later in
treatment he evidenced symptoms consistent with Obsessive-Compulsive
Disorder (e.g., fear that angry gay men
will rape and kill him, which provoked considerable anxiety that he
quelled by “not making them mad,” avoiding them, and sleeping with a
handgun next to his bed for protection).
Sociocultural Considerations
Miguel is Latino-American and grew up on the
West Coast. Client’s mother is a Mexican American born in the
southwestern United States and his father emigrated from South
America. His family is probably upper-middle class and lived in a
predominantly White area of the city in which he was raised. Client
experienced considerable discrimination in school as he was
mistreated by Whites because he was Latino and by other Latinos
because his family had some money and they thought he was “too
White” and a “sell out.” Client expressed considerable pain over
this dual rejection. To compound matters, client reported that his
father seemed to want to bury his cultural heritage. Miguel
indicated that he has longed for connection with Latino friends, but
has been only modestly successful in securing them. Although he
spoke Spanish, it was unclear whether English or Spanish is the
preferred language in the home (or some combination).
Client also reported that his Christian faith
was very important to him and that he tried to live in accordance
with its precepts. It was important in therapy to frame
interventions in such a way as to make it clear that the goal is not
to undermine them.
Further Psychosocial History
Client was the only child in his family. He
reported that he and his father have not always gotten along as they
would “fight for power,” and experienced him as cold and distant.
Client believed that this situation has improved after his father
took a new job that was less stressful. He described his mother has
“strict” and “overprotective,” and felt that he had a good
relationship with her. He indicated little connection with his
extended family. Client reported that he talked to his parents
about twice a week via telephone, but thought that perhaps this was
too frequent. He described their relationship as “close,” and that
he is happy that he has been able to have a better relationship with
his father in recent years.
Outside the family, the client reports having
“close” relationships with a woman friend and her boyfriend, but
“they have lives too.” While he did interact with this couple and a
few other acquaintances, he reported feeling considerably isolated.
In dating relationships, he reported that he was usually pushed away
by women in whom he had expressed a romantic interest.
Client indicated that he had never had a
serious romantic relationship. Although he had been on several
dates during our treatment, he always ended up terminating the
relationship because “she might want to have sex,” or “people will
think that I can do better or that I’m just using her for sex,” or
“she’s just not the perfect girl.” It was observed by both myself
and support staff that he made passes at about every woman in the
waiting area, and had seemed socially awkward at those times.
Moreover, he reported high levels of arousal when he saw beautiful
women anywhere. Previous therapist indicated that he was
appropriate with her until treatment ended, but things changed when
he ran into her at the grocery store. She reported that he hit on
her at that time, and did not seem to comprehend her explanation of
ethical boundaries. With regard to sex, client indicated that the
messages he got from home were “don’t do it” and “sex is bad.”
Miguel did not really have any close friends,
but did identify a few people with whom he had been able to form
some relationship. Notable was another Latino man with whom he
worked and who started at about the same time. In this situation,
client felt that they were developing a close relationship, but his
parents told him to stop because the man reportedly sounded “gay” to
them. Miguel could not identify anything to support this
conclusion, although he did honor his parent’s wishes.
Educationally, Miguel struggled. At the time
of treatment, he was working at his job much of the time, and had a
pretty strict regimen that he kept faithfully. He felt that his
anxiety kept him from performing better both educationally and in
his current employment. However, he seemed to not grasp that it may
also negatively impact interpersonal relationships.
Conceptual Hypotheses
At his core, Miguel seemed to have a sense of
himself as unlovable, weak, and defective. This gave rise to
intense feelings of shame, especially as the threat of exposure
looms and he developed increasing awareness of his need for
connection. The possibility of being exposed led him to ward off
intimacy and its accompanying anxiety with a sexualization of it.
However, another twist occurred as he projected onto women (and
arguably men as well: see below) his desire for them as “maybe she
wants me to be her boyfriend” or “she’ll want to have sex,” thus he
felt unable to continue these relationships. He also put out an air
that he was special or better than others around him for one reason
or another (e.g., superior work habits), yet was jealous when others
received recognition or promotion after what he felt was far less
effort.
Complicating the picture is some of the content
of his obsessions. His tendencies toward perfectionism, order, and
routine not only served to bolster his self-esteem, but also to ward
off anxiety about his “true self.” Some of the content of his
obsessions, particularly his fear of homosexuals, raised questions
about a component of the true self. I would like to pose three
hypotheses. First, he may have somewhat typical thoughts about the
attractiveness of men that he latched onto with such ferocity that
he started to believe himself to be gay. He then warded this off by
projecting his feelings and possibly self-loathe onto men he
perceived to be gay (irrespective of whether or not they were).
Second, he likely longed for deep emotional intimacy in general, and
with men in particular. If so, his obsessions may be linked to a
fear of intimacy itself and used their perceived sexual orientation
as an excuse to put distance between them. Finally, he may have
been bisexual or homosexual himself, and may have been unable to
accept this. Not only did he fend off this anxiety though
projective identification with perceived gay men, he might have been
sexualizing relationships with women to prove how heterosexual he
is. Unfortunately, treatment did not last long enough to fully
explore these hypotheses due to a change in the therapist’s work
situation.
Reflections on the Process of Treatment
One major challenge in working with Miguel was
that our work required a stylistic shift. As is typical with more
psychoanalytically informed treatment, I initially was resistant to
conversations of a more personal nature. It was typical for Miguel
to begin sessions seeking some type of personal information from me,
but interpreting this was not only futile but a technical error. As
stated above, many Latino clients expect to engage in some level of
platicar and place relationship above tasks. Early in the
treatment, I fortunately learned about this aspect of the culture
and was able to modify my approach and expectations accordingly.
This became a fruitful engagement that allowed for the development
of trust and deepened explorations.
Another challenge was attempting to discern to
what extent his relationships with his parents reflected
culturally-appropriate connection or some state of dysfunction.
This was complicated in part by what seemed to be discomfort with
exploring his childhood history and family dynamics with any level
of depth. However, with some gentle questioning he did begin to
question the quality of connection. Although this issue was never
fully explored or resolved, it was my intention to respect his
decision to not in any way dishonor his parents while still asking
him to reflect. It was my hope that any conclusions he drew were
his own and not coming from my cultural framework.
Finally, Miguel seemed to experience a lot of
self-hatred as well as difficulty in figuring out where exactly he
belonged. His identity as a Latino male had been undermined due to
the discrimination and rejection that he experienced from both
Whites and other Latinos. Although it is unclear to what extent
family dynamics contributed to this, Miguel seemed to have a
relational pattern of desperately wanting to be cared for and
accepted by others that ultimately resulted in rejection as he
engaged in behaviors and employed defensive maneuvers that served to
keep him distant. In addition to a few examples cited above, in our
sessions he would miss appointments whenever he experienced a hint
of authentic connection with me.
Conclusion
Although Miguel struggled with relationships,
work, and even in our relationship, it was always clear that he took
the mandate to be an honorable and respectable man very seriously.
It was a privilege to work with him, and I grew in several important
ways. First, my horizons of what manhood means and how that
interacts with other cultural considerations was broadened. Second,
I came to understand some of the methods of psychoanalytic
psychotherapy that I had been taught needed some adjustment to
account for different ways of relating. Allowing myself to “break
the rules” in this case led to a much more satisfying therapy
relationship in which some important truths about the symptoms he
was experiencing and how they were affecting him could be
discussed. I believe this also allowed him to hear my request that
he not hit on women in the waiting room and not damage his
sense that I thought well of him.
