Stress management tips for parents of college students in the aftermath of the Virginia Tech shootings

The shooting at Virginia Tech is unsettling and can be particularly distressing for parents of a college student. A campus tragedy can trigger parents' worst fears about their college student's safety and well being. You may feel anxious, helpless and angry. These feelings can be magnified if your student is attending college some distance from home.

Here are some tips that may help you to manage your distress and to feel more positive about your student's safety and future:

Manage your own anxiety - Anxiety is a normal response and appropriate in tragic situations. Excessive anxiety, however, can make you less able to think clearly and expends needless energy. Ask yourself what specific worries are troubling you most and then seek information to address them. Having that information eliminates the fears created by uncertainty. Tap into some relaxation techniques that may have worked for you in the past. For example, engage in exercise or deep breathing, journal your thoughts and feelings, or share them with a confidant. You'll be better equipped to manage a traumatic event if you can minimize your anxiety. Your ability to handle your anxiety will likely calm your son or daughter and relieve any fears he or she might have about worrying you.

Use anger productively - Anger is also a normal response when circumstances feel out of control. Expressing your anger to excess is counterproductive. Organizations and people who are the focus of angry sentiments often become defensive and the whole situation can digress into finger pointing and blaming. Use your energy instead to identify what changes you believe are needed and collaborate with others to make those changes happen. Use the energy generated by your anger to do something useful.

Stay in touch - Parents can provide consistency and normalcy in a chaotic situation. Let your college student know that you are thinking of him or her and show your support. Ask what the university is doing to discuss the tragic event on campus and to help students get through this difficult time. Find out about available university counseling services and how your college student can access them. There are a variety of ways you can stay in touch, including phone calls, e-mails or communicating through social media sites.

Take a break - Minimize your exposure to all types of media, including the internet. While getting the news informs you, being overexposed to it can augment your distress. Give yourself permission to not worry about your college student's safety, as worry alone cannot protect your student. Do things you enjoy to lift your spirits, go to a movie or a concert, or read a humorous book.

Tune in - When your college student comes home from school on winter break, tune into how he or she is doing. Be supportive and compassionate. If you notice changes in your son or daughter's usual activities, behaviors, or moods, discuss them and ask how you can help.

Let go - Remember that life's tragedies can occur anywhere and it is important to develop some strategies to get through difficult situations. Gather strength from knowing that you can be sources of strength for each other through life's inevitable difficulties.

Many parents may find the tips and strategies in this guide are sufficient to get through the current crisis. At times, however, you or your college student may get stuck or have difficulty managing intense reactions. A licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist can assist you or your son or daughter in developing an appropriate strategy for moving forward. It is important to get professional help if either of you feel that you are unable to function or perform basic activities of daily living. You can locate a psychologist through the locator service.

This tip sheet was made possible with help from the following APA members: Lynn Bufka, PhD, Nancy Molitor, PhD, Peter Sheras, PhD, and Phyllis Koch-Sheras, PhD.

Updated December 2011