Staying Connected: A Guide for Parents on Raising an Adolescent Daughter

Self-esteem

Self-esteem does not appear overnight nor does it develop in a vacuum. We all begin to build a sense of self-value early in life as parents applaud our accomplishments and encourage us to move further into the world.

Come adolescence, your daughter will develop more confidence as she discovers her ability to handle new responsibilities and trusts herself in new situations. Ideally, she should be able to decide on things that affect her as long as they are not dangerous or illegal. If she is never allowed to decide for herself, a girl will look to others to make decisions for her.

However, pressures to fit in, achieve (or not) in school, compete for (and be non-threatening to) boys, and conform to society’s other expectations can all chip away at a girl, especially when she is not confident that she is sufficiently attractive, popular, talented, socially adept, or loved at home. As a result, self-esteem can drop dramatically in high school, along with grades.

Some girls take longer to develop independence and the self-worth that goes with it. Sometimes problems can exceed a girl’s capacity to handle them. Girls, too, may become excessively self-conscious and unsure because of trouble at home, poor role models, and a physical or learning disability. These girls especially need strong guidance, encouragement, and help with discovering their gifts. And all girls need to know that they are equal to boys in ability and are not bound to pursue female-dominated occupations.

A strong ethnic or racial identity appears to help minority girls maintain more self-worth than those from the dominant society. Hispanic girls, for example, find a large source of strength in the extended family. Black girls, in turn, seem to carry a tradition of strength going back to a slave society where women were valued for their strength and had to be strong to survive. In general, minority girls who do not try to conform to the White ideal of beauty better withstand the pressure to conform to the expectations of the broader society. In similar fashion, culture and tradition often remain a source of protection for first- and second-generation immigrant children despite tension with parents over traditional versus American adolescent customs.

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