Staying Connected: A Guide for Parents on Raising an Adolescent Daughter

Setting Limits

Adolescents need limits on their behavior— limits that stick. Don’t wait for a crisis to put limits in place. Whenever possible, discuss the rules you intend to set and the actions you will take if they are flouted. Be sure to also explain that girls are more vulnerable than boys and need more safeguards in certain situations. Praise her when she sticks with the boundaries you have decided on.

Your bargaining position will be better if you find out what other parents of teenage girls are doing. Meanwhile, you’ll be giving your daughter the opportunity to practice her own negotiating skills on you. Younger adolescent girls should be supervised in settings where behavior you disapprove of can happen. Set up a network of parents who will cooperate. Your daughter should always let you know where she is going, with whom, and when she’ll be home. The cell phone is a handy monitor.

If your daughter transgresses—and she probably will—make the consequence fit the behavior. This approach usually works better than taking privileges away, and teaches an important lesson about how the real world works. Be fair and reasonable, especially if she was caught up in a situation that she was powerless to control.

Sometimes an adolescent's behavior can be so frustrating you may be tempted to strike her. People have a variety of opinions about this, but the reality is that hitting your child sends a confusing message, namely, that it is okay to hit someone you love in order to control them. Repeated over time, it can train children to punish others with force, or to accept force from others as punishment. Simply put, there are more effective means of discipline that do not have the potential long-term negative consequences of violence.

Parents confronted by a daughter who seems to be out of control-not attending school or running around with an out-of-control crowd, for example-can do several things. They can talk. They can listen. But they will likely need to call for help. A psychologist, a minister, or some other respected adult outside the family situation may be able to help.

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