Staying Connected: A Guide for Parents on Raising an Adolescent Daughter

Rebellion

Rebellion is one way adolescents discover who they are and become separate and independent people. It is one of their major developmental tasks, although not always pleasant for parents to endure. Rare is the teenager who does not rebel, at least in small ways, on the way to adulthood.

Teenage rebellion, too, may be a matter of perception, depending on whether parents see their daughter as a small child or an emerging adult. Growing up involves developing independent opinions and voicing ideas that differ from those of parents. This is not necessarily an act of rebellion, especially if girls are expected to become independent and assertive women. Many girls say they are not rebellious at all: They are simply expressing their views. Some are actually seeking reassurance from their parents, not shock or anger.

The extent to which your daughter rebels depends on many factors. Among them are her own personality, peer relationships, adult role models, and your parenting style. Examples of healthy rebellion would be purple hair or a "Keep Out" sign on her bedroom door.

As they grow older, adolescent girls need to have greater control over their lives. They may roll their eyes at what you say to them (you're only a parent so what do you know), but it is a myth that teens must fight their parents to the limit in order to reach adulthood successfully. Parents should be careful not to label a healthy push toward independence as untenable. A teenager who doesn't rebel may be afraid to grow up or may think she has no safety net in case she trips and falls.

Extreme rebellion, which is rare, can often be traced to either overly permissive or excessively controlling parenting styles. A girl who does not have boundaries to rebel against can use rebellion to push her parents to provide structure. Parents who exert extreme and seemingly arbitrary control limit their daughter's self-expression and create a forbidden-fruit scenario where she wants a taste of everything denied her.

How Can You Help Parents can do a number of things to create an environment that does not push their daughter to act inappropriately yet still nurtures her need for increased independence. One is to set reasonable and age-appropriate limits. Another is to provide predictable expectations and consequences. Your daughter will likely balk at the rules, but she needs them. It is your job to define the difference between her having her own ideas and disobeying the rules. A gradual and healthy expansion of both freedom and responsibility can allow your daughter the space she needs to grow.

Back to table of contents