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Staying Connected: A Guide for Parents on Raising an Adolescent Daughter

"I tell her there will always be boys."

Sexuality

On top of the other issues your teenage daughter is facing, the first years of adolescence are also when feelings of sexual attraction begin. Increased interest in sexual topics and sexual relationships is normal and inevitable. Girls can develop crushes on boys, or on other girls, or on adults like their teachers. It is all part of a natural process that helps a girl see herself as a sexual being, that is, someone capable of an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, or affectional attraction with another person. Many lesbians and bisexuals become aware of their sexual orientation during childhood or adolescence.

Dating is a way in which adolescents develop and test their interpersonal skills and learn about intimacy. On the other hand, dating also opens the door to the initiation of sexual activity. Educating your daughter about sexuality and sexual relations goes beyond the physical aspects and extends to its emotional, ethical, psychological, and spiritual dimensions. Some parents, for example, ask their daughter to abstain from sex until marriage. Others realize that sexual activity in the later years of adolescence may occur, so they emphasize the need for her to practice safe sex.

An abstinence movement is re-emerging in this country, and many church organizations and other groups are sponsoring virginity pledges for teen girls and boys.

A study funded by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development has found that the pledges do appear to delay sexual activity, although they seem to be more effective if girls sign them before age 16 or 17. Pledges aside, adolescents who are more religious or less physically developed also seem to delay intercourse.

How Can You Help

The primary source of information for a daughter about love, relationships, sexual behaviors, and attitudes comes from her parents and the way they interact. (Or, in the case of single parents, the way they behave with significant others.) This allows parents to be the first to teach their values and beliefs about sexuality to their daughter before anyone else does.

  • As always, open communication during childhood and through adolescence will help you define and augment the information your daughter has already received from watching you and from listening to myriad other voices. Providing an accepting environment at home will further enable her to feel comfortable discussing sensitive topics with you.

  • Starting with pubescence, girls tend to turn more to their mothers than to their fathers. A single father should support his daughter in finding women such as an aunt, teacher, or coach who can provide her with the female role that can help in developing identity. But fathers should remain involved. Without a father’s continuing interest in her, many teen girls start seeking inappropriate male attention outside the house.

  • Research shows that teens who feel connected to their family and school are less likely to initiate premature sexual activity.

  • Many parents and psychologists believe that teens need a reason to say “No” to early or premarital sex. Let your daughter know what is at stake. If your teenager is having sexual relations, maintain an open and honest dialogue about safe behaviors.

  • Parents should set appropriate curfews for dating, allowing their daughter to enter the relationship waters gradually, first through group activities and later as one-half of a couple. Younger adolescents, even those who have physically matured, are not emotionally prepared for a one-on-one romantic involvement.

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