When Aly Negreira was offered an extension of her unpaid practicum earlier this year, she was thrilled to get extra hours. But there was a catch: Negreira's supervisors then asked her to fill a higher-level, supervisory role with no extra compensation.
She wanted to negotiate for a salary but didn't want her supervisors to think she was ungrateful or pushy. After all, they were the ones evaluating her work and potentially writing her all-important letters of recommendation.
"It was kind of a tricky, tightrope situation," says Negreira, a fourth-year student in Suffolk University's clinical psychology doctoral program.
But she decided to muster her confidence and stand up for herself. She asked if she could talk with the human resources department about the position, where she negotiated her pay from an initial offer of $15 per hour to $20. Better yet, she didn't suffer any repercussions. "My supervisor was very proud of me that I was able to raise my salary," she says.
Graduate psychology students can sometimes find themselves in situations where they need to assert themselves but fear doing so might anger professors and supervisors, potentially harming their status in their programs. Students may also struggle with finding their assertiveness sweet spot: Some may be too brash, some too passive and others might lack self-advocacy skills altogether, either due to temperament, culture or lack of training.
Shy students might struggle with peers or professors they consider intimidating, while aggressive students turn people off, including their mentors, who may avoid them, says Linda Hatzenbuehler, PhD, a psychology professor at Idaho State University who has researched assertive communication.
Fortunately, assertiveness is a learned skill. Negreira, for one, became more comfortable asserting herself while working at a hospital before grad school. She also credits her immigrant parents for teaching her, "If you don't ask, you don't get."
Here's more advice on how students can learn to assert themselves appropriately and effectively:
Assess — and adjust — your own assertiveness
The first step in boosting your self-advocacy skills is evaluating how you come across — and then altering your approach as needed.
Research shows, for example, that women who can monitor themselves and adjust how assertive they are in different situations can be more successful in achieving promotions (Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology, 2011).
Of course, self-assessment isn't easy. A series of studies out of Columbia University, for example, found that 57 percent of people who were judged by others as being under-assertive believed they were either appropriately assertive or overly assertive. In addition, most of the people who others saw as overly assertive viewed themselves as appropriately assertive or under-assertive. And those who were judged to be appropriately assertive thought they were pushing too hard (Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2014 (PDF, 732KB)).
So how do you know where you fall? Get feedback from others who you trust will be honest — fellow students, perhaps, who can tell you whether you are coming across as too abrasive, too mild or just right.
Practice, practice, practice
If you are planning an encounter with a professor or someone else, first practice what you plan to say, either by yourself or with others. "In a highly anxious situation, none of us are very good when we are spontaneous," says Hatzenbuehler. "You have to prepare for the interaction."
Also keep in mind that sometimes the way people react when you ask for something is just a way of bargaining, not necessarily a reflection of you or your approach. For example, if a supervisor acts shocked or angry when you ask for something, don't immediately back down and assume you've overreached. Instead, ask questions to see if a better resolution is available.
Consider your audience
It's also important to take into account people's different cultural backgrounds when you are negotiating, says Patrice Leverett, a psychology graduate student at the University of Wisconsin at Madison. In her role as mentoring co-chair of the student section of APA Div. 45 (Society for the Psychological Study of Culture, Ethnicity and Race), Leverett works with people from Asian and Latin American cultures, where questioning authority is seen as disrespectful.
"In the United States, we value standing up for yourself and establishing a more equal relationship, but other cultural groups may be uncomfortable with this," Leverett says. She is developing programming to help students feel more comfortable with more assertive approaches.
Students may even need to adjust their behaviors based on what region of the United States they're in, Leverett has found. As a native New Yorker who is in graduate school in Wisconsin, she's had to tone down her ingrained feistiness. "Overall, the culture here is more meek or mild," she says. "I've had to think about how to phrase things so as not to seem too aggressive."
Pretend the roles are reversed
Another way to make negotiations more successful is to consider the other person's perspective. Maria Espinola, PsyD, a postdoctoral fellow at McLean Hospital and Harvard Medical School, learned this when a former employer supported her idea to conduct a group therapy program but didn't offer her a raise to go with it. Espinola then researched the benefits to the organization if it were to implement her idea, including significant additional revenue, and landed an even higher hourly rate than she had asked for.
"I don't think that would have happened if I had just walked in and only spoke about how the raise would benefit me," Espinola says. "If you are going to negotiate with administrators, you have to think like them and consider how they and the institutions they represent would benefit from giving you what you want."
Empathy also comes into play in how you phrase your question. There are two fundamental principles for assertive communication that have been around for 35 years, experts say: the empathetic response and then the request. And the request needs to be made in the form of a statement, not a question.
For example, say, "Professor Smith, I know you're really busy working on this grant application, but I need just three minutes of your time and I'm hoping you can meet with me on Thursday afternoon."
By understanding that professors are busy and often under stress, students can better time and tailor their requests.
Be specific in your requests
Often in negotiations, people aren't clear about what they really want, says Marion Rudin Frank, PhD, a Philadelphia psychologist who specializes in assertive communications. "They aren't asking for it" because they don't know exactly what outcome they desire, she says.
That's why it's important to figure that out and then make the request. For example, need more time to do a great job on that paper? Ask for the specific amount of extra time you need.
Similarly, find out precisely what your professor wants.
"If a professor says to you, 'You're just not studying, you're not doing things in a correct way,' the best thing to do is a negative inquiry," says Frank. This involves saying, "What exactly would you like to see me do here?"
Pump yourself up
Hatzenbuehler's research in assertiveness shows that people need to consider not just how they communicate with others but also what they say to themselves.
"The very shy person says things to himself or herself like, 'Oh that guy's not going to have any time for me; my issue isn't important enough for him to deal with,'" says Hatzenbuehler.
If you are a negative self-talker, you may be undermining yourself. "You need to identify those kinds of meta-communications because they are preventing you from moving forward" with your assertive statement, she says.
Hatzenbuehler advises identifying the negative words you're telling yourself, finding more positive ones — and then practicing them.
Learn how to say no
Sometimes asserting yourself means lightening your load. Professors may ask grad students to do "everything from the sublime to the ridiculous," says Hatzenbuehler. They might ask students to join them in research projects in other countries, or they may ask you to pet-sit over the weekend — the kind of personal errand she says is all too common, but ill-advised.
"Some students do it because they think they're going to get on the good side of the faculty member," she says. "But what happens if there's a bad outcome? How would that strain the relationship between the mentor and the student?" To turn down a professor, she recommends using assertive communication techniques, including suggesting an alternative: "Weekends aren't good for me but I'd be happy to find you someone who can care for your dog."
Don't let criticism wilt or anger you
Got a tough evaluation? This is another area where your self-talk is key. Remind yourself that you are in school to learn, and criticism will only help you improve.
For example, says Frank, if you get negative feedback on a paper, respond assertively by saying, "What is it about the paper that needs to be different?" rather than sulking away ("I hated it, too!") or being aggressive ("How can you say that after I put all this work into it?").
Of course, not all grad school interactions will wind up being successful ones. But with practice and awareness of the best assertiveness approaches, that success rate might go up.
"Always with assertiveness, we have to look at our situation and see what it warrants," says Frank. "The best thing to do is to have some flexibility in the way we approach situations."