Making new friends and keeping existing ones is hard. Here’s some science-backed tips to help

Making new friendships—and maintaining or deepening existing ones—is rarely easy. Here’s advice informed by psychological research on how to make and keep friends at any stage of life.

Psychological research on the “liking gap” shows that people tend to underestimate how liked they are when they interact with strangers (Boothby, E. J., et al., Psychological Science, Vol. 29, No. 11, 2018opens in new window). Those who suffer from anxiety and depression may be more likely to wrongly assume they are unliked (Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 37, No. 10, 2018opens in new window). But when people are told to assume others like them, they become warmer and friendlier, in what’s known as the “acceptance prophecy” (Stinson, D. A., et al., Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Vol. 35, No. 9, 2009opens in new window).

“The research suggests that negative thoughts we have about ourselves in new social situations may not match what others are actually thinking about us,” said Rebecca Schwartz-Mette, PhD, an associate professor of clinical psychology at the University of Maine.

[Related: The science of why friendships keep us healthy]

Psychological research on what makes a friendship “high quality” can also offer clues about how to make and keep friends, said Catherine Bagwell, PhD, a professor of psychology at Davidson College in North Carolina.

Intimacy is one such characteristic, which suggests that people who welcome emotional closeness can form strong friendships. Companionship is another key feature of a healthy friendship, so connecting with people who have similar hobbies, interests, attitudes, and values is also a good strategy (Ledbetter, A. M., et al., Personal Relationships, Vol. 14, No. 2, 2007opens in new window).

Research by Thalia Wheatley, PhD, a psychology professor at Dartmouth College, has shown that both friends and strangers feel more connected when their conversation partner responds to them quickly (PNAS, Vol. 119, No. 4, 2022opens in new window). “That has to come naturally, through really listening and trying to get what the person is saying,” she said. “There’s no easy hack for friendship—it’s just caring enough to listen to each other.”

Social activity can be thought of as being similar to physical activity, said Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University. “You can’t maintain fitness by just exercising once. It requires regular practice, and investing in your relationships also takes time.”