Speaking of Psychology: What to do when you’ve been ghosted, with Jennice Vilhauer, PhD

Ghosting is a heartbreaking fact in the modern dating world. It’s when a friend or someone you’ve been dating disappears from contact with no explanation. Ghosting can shatter self-esteem and hurt just as much as physical pain. Our guest is psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, PhD, who wrote the popular Psychology Today articles “Why Ghosting Hurts So Much” and “Did the Internet Break Love?”

Jennice Vilhauer, PhD, is a leadership consultant and psychologist in Los Angeles and the developer of Future Directed Therapy. She recently served as the director of the outpatient psychotherapy program at Emory Healthcare in Atlanta and prior to that spent eight years at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles as the clinical director of the adult outpatient program as well as the director of psychology training in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurosciences. Her Psychology Today blog, Living Forward, has over 12 million readers and she writes about well-being, relationships and love in the modern world. She received her undergraduate degree in psychology at UCLA and her doctorate degree at Fordham University, and she completed her postdoctoral training in clinical research at Columbia University.

Kaitlin Luna: Hello and welcome to Speaking of Psychology, a bi-weekly podcast from the American Psychological Association that explores the connections between psychological science and everyday life. I'm your host, Kaitlin Luna. You've been dating this great person for a while now. The hours you spend together feel like mere minutes. You're constantly texting, sharing photos, sending sappy kiss-face emojis, and then suddenly, he stops answering your texts. Your calls go right to her voicemail, and they ignore your DMs. What happened? You've been ghosted.

It's a heartbreaking fact in the modern dating world. Sometimes people are left just hanging without any explanation. For those of you who've been ghosted, not only does it shatter your self-esteem, it can also hurt as much as physical pain. To those of you out there who've done the ghosting and I know you're out there, what's up with you? No shaming here.

We're going to get to that soon with our guest today, psychologist Dr. Jennice Vilhauer. She's the author of the popular Psychology Today articles, Why Ghosting Hurts So Much and Did The Internet Break Love? She's here to help us understand why people do this and what you should do if you've been ghosted. Welcome, Dr. Vilhauer.

Dr. Jennice Vilhauer: Hi, thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.

Luna: Same here. We're happy to have you on the show discussing this very, very important topic. In your article Why Ghosting Hurts So Much, you quoted someone who said they consider themselves to be an honest and straightforward person, yet they had ghosted someone. I'm curious, what would cause a self-described honest individual to ghost?

Vilhauer: Well, I think that we all engage in a level of self-justification for our behavior. We all know why we do what we do in a way that no one else can ever know that because we have all of our thoughts in our head and all of our reasons lined up for why we make certain choices. Most people, in their own mind, believe that they're doing the thing that is best for them, and oftentimes, they're not really thinking about the impact that that has on another person.

Luna: What inspired you to write that article for Psychology Today?

Vilhauer: I like to write articles that I think are going to be a value to people that I work with. I know that within a very short period of time, I think I wrote the article back in 2015, I had three different patients that had all been ghosted by somebody and it was just really, one, kind of remarkable to see that this was becoming such a common behavior, but two, it was very evident that it was also very, very painful and that people really didn't know how to deal with it. I wanted to personally understand it more, but also, I wanted to be able to offer something to people who are going through this really difficult situation.

Luna: Can you explain how being ghosted can activate the same pathways in your brain as physical pain?

Vilhauer: Yes. Physical pain and emotional pain are actually on the same neural pathway and so they've done a lot of research that shows that social rejection can cause the same level of pain that an injury to your body would cause and it's activated in the same region of the brain. They've done studies that show people can take Tylenol that will actually help alleviate emotional pain. That's actually something that someone can do if they're really in an acute state of emotional pain, that helps a little bit.

Luna: That's fascinating that there's that connection because you wouldn't think. I would never think in a million years that Tylenol could help you feel better if you are experiencing some emotional pain.

Vilhauer: Well, I think it explains why so many times people try to numb themselves when they're feeling emotional pain, they'll drink alcohol or take other kind of drugs or medications that really try to help just numb the actual part of the brain that's creating what feels like the emotional distress.

Luna: You spoke just a few minutes ago about how people ghost because they know in their heads why they're justifying their behaviors, but specifically to romantic relationships, why do you think we see ghosting happens so often in the dating world?

Vilhauer: Well, I think it's something that has always occurred throughout time. It just maybe not on the scale that it's happening now. I think part of that has to do with a very big cultural shift that is happening in dating, particularly the Internet, I think, has been one source of that big shift that has been happening and that doesn't mean I think that the Internet is bad or somehow been a negative thing for love.

I do think that it's like anything, there's good and there's bad. I think one of the consequences is that people are a bit more indifferent to one another. I think that when you meet somebody online, there's less social accountability because you're oftentimes meeting people that are not in your social circle that don't know other people. It just becomes much easier to move on from a relationship very quickly when you don't have anybody else in your social circle that is going to object to the way that you're treating somebody else.

Luna: That's what you think might be different from the past? Like, kind of imagining like, in the past, even before cell phones, if you gave your phone number to someone, you went on a few dates, and it didn't work out, you could probably screen their calls or something when you had the voicemail recorder. That was probably still happening I imagine, but as you're saying the Internet's made people more distant or there's just not those mutual connections that might cause a person to under societal pressure, at least acknowledge a person and say, "I'm not interested, let's move on with their lives."

Vilhauer: Sure. Well, I think it's a number of factors. Number one, there's the quantity of people that we now have access to. It's very easy to look at a page of potential dating mates and see that there's as many, many, many people out there to me. It makes the ideal seem more possible and the pursuit of that kind of ideal relationship. I think people have in a lot of ways developed what's called a consumerism mindset around dating where you believe you can shop for somebody; you can just find the next person if the current relationship doesn't seem to meet your ideal set of standards.

I think that people start to lose their own accountability for why a relationship might not be working. They don't really realize that a relationship might not be working out because of things that they personally are doing. I think that there's different factors that play out there.

Luna: You talked a lot about that in your article, Did The Internet Break Love? which, by the way, that title is just really spot on and very, very good. There's obviously some factors that are lost through the apps like there's the abundance of people, the indifference you might see, the lack of mutual connections that connect you with other people longer than just an initial date or something like that. What else is lost through internet dating apps? A lot of people are on them today. I've certainly met a lot of people who have found their significant other through online dating apps. What is missing today that may have been different in the past?

Vilhauer: Well, like I said, I don't think that it's all good or all bad. I think that like you said, I know a lot of people who have also met their significant others. I think there is a lot of value in the ability to meet people that are outside your social circles and to have just greater access to potential partners. I think that what happens is over time, the more choice you have, the more people start to lose their own value in some ways.

When you only have two or three people to choose from, there's greater value that each one of those people are going to have that when you've got hundreds of people to choose from people almost in some ways lose their value because you can always find the next person if this, one particular person isn't satisfying or gratifying all the ideals that you have for a relationship. There's a level of indifference that I think occurs. When 100 people are emailing you, you can't possibly respond to all of those people and you just start to develop a level of I guess in differences is the best word that I have to describe that.

Luna: How can you fight back against that indifference? Obviously, you said you're not going to respond to those hundred messages but there are other tips that you might offer someone, who is using online dating and in ways to stay more engaged in the experience and have a better outcome for themselves and, hopefully, they meet a mate.

Vilhauer: Well, I think the problem is broader than just social dating apps. I think, there's been a loss of overall general empathy for people. That's one of the things that happens, I think, as a consequence of social media in general, that, there's people just feel that they can speak to people any way that they want to that they can treat people and are just much more in different way. How do you counter that? I think you have to make a deliberate intention to really want to.

Think about the other person's feelings to really care about the other person's feelings. The reality is, of the people who have been ghosted 50% of those have actually also ghosted other people. I think what happens is that once you've experienced it yourself, you also become indifferent to it, and people are just starting to shut down emotionally around how they treat others in a dating environment. I think you have to really make the deliberate effort to say, I want to be kind and respectful to somebody and, it doesn't have to require a huge amount of effort. You can send somebody, even just one sentence that says, hey, it was great to meet you, but I don't think that this is going anywhere, I don't see this really being a connection. It is profoundly helpful to somebody on the other end of the situation, because it allows them to understand what was going on, what happens because when you ghost somebody, you literally have absolutely no idea what happened to them. They could be lying in a hospital bed for all you know, you have no way of knowing how to respond. I think that intentional effort to think about the other person and to just try to be kind and to think about how would you want to be treated in that situation.

Luna: Yes, I think that's what is probably the worst part is when you don't have any explanation, you're just left hanging, you don't know what the situation could be. Did something bad happen to the person, did they just lose interest, I mean, that hurts if you're just left hanging without any explanation. You spend a lot of time ruminating on why that might happen, you can't get into specifics, but your clients were going through this. What kind of feelings were they left with when this happened to them?

Vilhauer: Yes, so disposable, used, really terrified of having this happen to them again. A lot of times they'll spend hours trying to figure out what it is that they did wrong, and so it's a very, very painful experience for people to go through. Oftentimes, there's obviously anger, in my mind, that's actually one of the healthier responses to have is to really understand that it really did not mean anything about the person who's been ghosted, but it's really more of a reflection on the person who did the ghosting. I think anger is probably a healthier response to the situation but oftentimes, it's just so impossible to understand how somebody could do that to them, that it's just very, very devastating.

Luna: How do you move on from that? What advice do you give to someone to help them move on from those feelings and also, is there a way to protect yourself against this from happening in the future?

Vilhauer: I wish I could say that there was, I think the best way to protect yourself is to really be careful about who you're choosing to spend time with, look for those red flags early on in terms of how somebody treats you from the very initial contact, but the truth is sometimes there just really isn't a way to know. If it happens, my advice is the first few days is to do nothing, because the instinct is to want to find out immediately and to contact the person over and over and that's really the worst thing to do. When somebody chooses to ghost you, that's a very deliberate decision that they are making, nobody forgets to call you back when they're dating somebody, it's that they're choosing this behavior, they have made a decision that they want to end the relationship and whether you agree with the way that they're choosing to go about that or not, it's better for you to take a step back and to retain your own dignity and to really reach out to friends and to talk to people that you know really care about you and support you, but it feels really, really bad to be contacting someone, and to continue to just get that silent treatment. The silent treatment is a very cruel thing to do for a specific reason because it has such a very negative impact on the person who's on the receiving end of that.

Luna: kind of pivots to another question I had. If you've been ghosted and you find yourself just obsessing about it and constantly being in touch with that person, and they're not responding, where does that become problematic? By problematic I mean if you're just overdoing it and can you be trying to just have a stalker or something, that might be extreme, but where can that go wrong, where you just will not stop bothering someone who is clearly does not want to communicate with you?

Vilhauer: I think it's so hard. I think it's hard to know because you don't know what has happened to them. Like I said before, this person could be lying in a hospital bed somewhere, something tragic could have happened, you just don't know. I think you can send one or two texts to or try to reach out to the person maybe in a couple of different ways once or twice to see if they're okay. I think it makes sense to want to check their social media just to see if they're posting or just that they're still alive or okay in some regard. After that if you don't get a response after two attempts to reach them, I think at that point, you have to take a step back and really realize that this person is making a deliberate choice, and by continuing to try to contact them, you're not convincing them that somehow they made the wrong choice, in some ways they're feel they themselves, regardless of whether this make sense they might feel that you're disrespecting them by continuing to reach out to them, that you're not respecting the choice that they're making. It's better to really just pull back and again, reach out to people who you know care about you, your friends, your family therapist, whoever it is that can give you the comfort and support that you need while you're going through that, and to help you try to process it in the best way that you can, but continuing to reach the person or demand that they give you some answer is generally not going to be the best thing to do.

Luna: Is there a particular type of person who tends to ghost others, have you identified some traits?

Vilhauer: Well, so many people ghost at this point. There was a study that was done right around the time that I actually had written the articles. This is a pretty old study at this point about five years old, but it was saying that almost 50% of people who are in the dating world have either been ghosted or done ghosting, so, it's pretty common that this is happening. I'm not sure there's a particular type of person, I think a lot of people who again consider themselves to be really decent good people have perhaps ghosted somebody at some point and oftentimes, it's just the easier thing to do. I think that it's just something that people do when they're just not thinking about how it's going to make somebody else feel.

Luna: Another particular warning signs at all that you might be ghosted, anything that you might look out for?

Vilhauer: Well, I think if somebody has a lot of contact with you, and anytime there's a shift in let's say, the general pattern of how the contact and the relationship is working if somebody always text you first thing in the morning, and suddenly you don't hear from them for a day or two, obviously, could be that there's just something else going on in their life. They're busy. They've got other priorities that they're taking care of, it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to ghost you, but if you start to notice a change in a normal pattern of behavior, it doesn't hurt to just check in with the person and just say, hey, curious to see how things are going, I've noticed it seems like there's been a shift. I think you can ask in that way. A lot of times people are going to ghost you aren't necessarily going to be really honest and open about their emotions in the first place, so it's hard to say if they're going to be really willing to tell you how they're really feeling. I think that's really the most you can do is to just notice and pay attention to the patterns in the relationship. A lot of times there aren't going to be any warning signs, and I think that's one of the hardest parts.

Luna: Definitely and turning more towards friendships. Do you also see ghosting among friends?

Vilhauer: Yes, it's funny because when I wrote my article in my mind, I was very specific to dating because I think there's something about dating, relationships where when that just different level of emotion that gets involved and really different amount of pain that occurs when the ghosting happens. I think it happens definitely in friendships I think it's a broader behavior that's about not feeling a level of comfort discussing your emotions with someone and choosing instead to just disappear. I'll be honest with you, after I wrote my article, I got contacted by almost thousands, I would say literally thousands of people who some of them are people who had ghosted, some of them are people who had been ghosted, but a lot of the people who had done the ghosting really felt very justified because they--

Luna: They felt the other person wasn't going to listen to them, or the other person wasn't maybe emotionally going to be able to handle it, and they didn't want to have to deal with that. It's a really, I think, very complicated situation, where there's a lot of emotions on both sides in terms of whether this is considered appropriate or not. I think you can't just apply a blanket statement across the board about what's okay and what's not.

Luna: Right. Imagine with friendships as well, the question I've just been talking about is, how do you know the difference between simply drifting away from someone and ghosting? I think with romantic relationships, I could see that being a little different. I think that's a little bit more of like a definite point, but with friends, like you said, the relationship type is different. Perhaps with friendships, you might just simply drift away, and you might not mean to not respond to the person, but you might just feel like the friendship just isn't working for you anymore. I don't know what the reason might be. Can you give me your thoughts about that?

Vilhauer: Yes. Well, I feel the same rules apply, in the sense that if a certain pattern of behavior exists between people, let's say you are used to speaking to your friend once a week, and suddenly you don't hear from them for a few weeks, I think reaching out a couple of times. I really think when you reach out more than twice, you're pushing the boundary there, sometimes, but two, three times at the most.

If the person is not responding to you, I think you have to just take a step back and let them see if they're going to come to make the effort to respond or come back towards the relationship, or just let them go if they're not willing to. I think it's the same idea. You can't force somebody who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you to continue a relationship with you, and you might not get to know why.

That sounds really painful and difficult, but you have to respect the choices that other people choose to make and to understand that if someone doesn't want to continue a relationship with you, that's better for you, anyway. You don't want to pursue relationships with people that aren't interested in maintaining those relationships or don't feel they value the relationship as much as you value the relationship. Sometimes you have to really reframe it and be willing to let the people that come into your life go if that's what they choose to do.

Luna: It sounds like it's a little bit more, could be a little more nuanced with friends. Is that what you're saying? It's like it might not be so hard and fast as it might be in a romantic relationship, but the overall message is the same. If you reached out, don't overdo it, but take a step back and say, "Okay, if they don't come to me, then it's time to let this go."

Also, I want to talk about ghosting at the workplace, because I have actually have been in a work situation before where I got ghosted regarding a job. It was just odd, I thought, just no response at all, and we moved on with our lives. You hear these stories of people who are working, and then they, all of a sudden, leave for lunch and never come back. What are your thoughts about ghosting in the workplace?

Vilhauer: You mean somebody just quits and never tells anybody that they're coming back?

Luna: Kind of, yes, doesn't show up. Obviously, nothing to say that they're injured or sick or anything, but just doesn't show up or leaves in the middle of the day, is doing an interview and is asked to take them to the next level on the interview, and just never responds.

Vilhauer: Well, I think that's more common than you may realize. There's a lot of different scenarios there, but when you talk about interviews, I think it's actually very common to never hear back from somebody if they're not interested in hiring you. Obviously, it's the polite thing to do, and it's a good company. They know you would hope that they would have an HR person willing to at least send you a form letter, but oftentimes, that's not the case.

You just never hear back if someone's not interested in hiring you. I think that's actually fairly common. In different scenarios, somebody's doing that professionally, it's not good for them, obviously, for references or that type of thing, but it's probably just an indication of just really something happening internally for them on an emotional level that they just don't feel capable of dealing with or being able to confront.

Luna: You're speaking them on two different tracks, like someone who does the workplace might be. Do you look at them in different ways, or do you think it all comes down to the same behavior?

Vilhauer: I think at the end of the day, there's a similar thread that runs through in the sense that I think that people have different expectations about perceived obligation within relationships, whether it's a dating relationship, whether it's a friendship, whether it's an interview, a work relationship, just something very professional level.

I think that oftentimes the person on the side where they're doing the ghosting doesn't perceive they have an obligation to reach out to somebody, whereas the person who feels that they've been ghosted feels that there was an obligation. I would like to say that there's some uniform standard for saying what's an appropriate obligation, in my mind, common decency, being kind to other people. It's just common courtesy to let somebody know if you're going to and somehow contact. I think a big thread there is just a difference in expectations on both sides.

I think sometimes there's a bit of an avoidance factor as well, just a tendency to. It's easier to avoid somebody and just ghost them than it is to have the conversation that might be uncomfortable in some way about choosing to not want to be in a relationship with somebody. Because that's the other side of it, it's very uncomfortable for a lot of people to have that conversation. That's why they choose ghosting instead.

Luna: Is there a way you can rise above those uncomfortable feelings and let someone know why you are ending the relationship, whether that's professionally, whether that's a friendship, whether that's romantic?

Vilhauer: Yes. Well, I think it comes down to basic empathy, really being able to step outside of yourself and put yourself into the other person's perspective. I always just say think in terms of how would you want to be treated in that situation, and just extend that same courtesy to the person. It's really just that extra effort that it takes to get outside of your own mind and thinking about your experience and to think about what the other person's experience is like.

Luna: Is that what you would tell someone who's a chronic ghoster? If they kept doing it but they wanted to change, is that what you would advise them to do?

Vilhauer: Yes. If someone's a chronic ghoster, I think I would really want to help them maybe explore a little bit more deeply why they're choosing that option and why is it so hard for them to confront their own emotions, what makes it so difficult for them to think about having a conversation with somebody. I certainly would encourage them to want to explore that more in-depth.

Luna: Are there ever instances where it is okay to ghost someone?

Vilhauer: I believe that there are. I actually wrote that for an article.

Luna: That's why I'm referencing. Now you can just dive in for it.

Vilhauer: I wrote that article in response to so much of the feedback I had gotten from people who had chosen to do ghosting, that there, it does seem, times, especially, number one, if you're in an abusive relationship, physical or emotional abuse of any kind, sometimes that is, in fact, the safest thing to do. Particularly when there's physical abuse involved, leaving a relationship is, in fact, the most dangerous period of time for somebody who's in a physically abusive relationship. The best thing for them to do is to leave and to disappear and to go somewhere where that person has no way of being able to contact you. That definitely is a scenario when I think ghosting is the best thing to do.

I think that if somebody is repeatedly violating your boundaries, or doing things that really make you realize that they're not all that interested in how you feel or how their behavior is making you feel, so for example, if somebody is doing just really inappropriate things like, let's say, showing up at your job or contacting an ex, or just doing things or stealing from me or things that make you feel really uncomfortable, then that really might be a situation where you need to ghost them as well.

Sometimes I think people think it's ghosting if you've told the person many times that you're not interested and they're just not getting it and they're continuing to pursue you anyway. It's not ghosting to then cut off contact. I think that sometimes you just have to do that. There are people out there that really don't understand and don't take the hint. Or not even a hint, even

Vilhauer: If you tell them directly that you're not interested they don't listen. They're somehow ignoring your request then I think that's a time when you might have to cut off contact as well.

Luna: Mm-hmm, yes absolutely. It does sound like it's probably for the best in that situation. Also, as we wrap up here, I want to talk about tips you would tell people as they approach life in the modern dating world. As we've discussed in this conversation, we know that the internet, online dating and apps has made dating easier, probably, you might say. It's given people a lot of different options. You can find people with the same interests. It's opened up a lot of great opportunities for people to meet people special. It's also opened up some opportunities for some more indifference and some bad behavior to take place. What is the advice you give to people about how to approach dating today?

Vilhauer: Yes, I just think it's so hard nowadays. It's changed so much. Number one, I'd say, know your own value. That that's just incredibly important because I think it's so easy often times if you've been through any number of these common dating scenarios like being ghosted or those other ones called benching or stashing. All these other different trends that have been out there. It's really important to understand that you have value as a human being and to know that. If you don't feel that you're being treated in a way where you are being valued that it's important to be able to make that choice yourself to say, "This is not acceptable to me. This behavior is not okay. I'm willing to walk away from this". I think knowing your own personal value is extremely important. I think being able to trust your instincts. Again, I don't know that there's always red flags or warning signs, but I think a lot of times you know, in general, if someone's treating you well or not. If you feel there's behaviors that-- often times we can make excuses when we see the red flags. Almost every person I know who has ended a relationship if you ask them, "Were there any red flags in the beginning"? They'll say, "Yes, but I chose to ignore them. I didn't listen. I thought I was being too picky or too choosy", different things. Just really paying attention to your own emotional responses about how someone's treating you and whether you think that it's acceptable and if they're being respectful or not. I think that's extremely important. I also think the other thing that's super important is to really own your own role in a relationship. To realize that you can't just swipe left or right and find that perfect relationship. Any time there are two people, there's a dynamic that's being created and it's really important to know your own dynamic and what you bring to a relationship. To know your own beliefs, your own values, your own expectations, to know your own love language. To know everything about yourself in context of your style and approach to a relationship because it really starts to help you understand how someone else is responding to you. I think that's a very important part of finding a good relationship is to know yourself very well and to know what you're bringing to the relationship.

Luna: Absolutely, thanks for those wonderful tips. I think that will be very helpful for people who, whether they've experienced ghosting or not, I'm sure if you haven't you know someone who has, or to prep you for the future knowing all these tips is very helpful as we approach dating. Dating, friendships and beyond.

Vilhauer: Yes, I think these tips apply to all relationships, absolutely.

Luna: Mm-hmm, absolutely. Well thank you again for joining us. It's been a really interesting episode. I appreciate your time.

Vilhauer: Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.

Luna: Before we go, just a reminder that we want to hear from you. You can email your comments and ideas to speakingofpsychology@apa.org. That's speakingofpsychology all one word .org. Please consider giving us a rating in iTunes, it really helps. You can find all of our previous episodes of Speaking of Psychology on Apple, Stitcher, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also go to our website  speakingofpsychology.org. I'm Kaitlin Luna with the American Psychological Association, thank you for listening.