Are you grieving this holiday season? Here are ways to cope with loss and honor loved ones

Although grief is something that's experienced daily, the holidays tend to amplify feelings of loss—especially if it's the first holiday after a loved one's passing, psychologists say.

“It’s the first time you've been doing Thanksgiving and your December holiday without your loved one in your life, and that's just huge,” said Sherry Cormier, PhD, author of Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss and Griefopens in new window. “It amplifies that everything is different than it used to be, and there’s a cognitive dissonance between you feeling heartbroken and being around people, plus the expectation to be happy and celebratory and grateful.”

Being around friends and family while knowing someone is missing from the gathering creates an inevitable reality check, but one that's not always easy.

“The human brain can't grasp something as dramatic as the loss of a loved one,” said Therese Rando, PhD, author of How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Diesopens in new window. She noted that, for many months after a death, it is common for survivors to pick up the phone to call the deceased, or look down the street expecting to see their late friend or relative arrive. Especially with sudden and traumatic deaths, such as those due to drug overdoses or homicide, we can't absorb the reality of the loss, she said. “We only learn that by bumping up against it in our world.”

To make it through the celebratory season in such trying circumstances, psychologists suggest that those dealing with grief and loss make a plan that includes minimizing anxiety and celebrating the loss.

The first step, Cormier said, is acknowledging that the holidays will be different, and to be proactive about what helps and what doesn’t. For example, consider the following:

• Are there some traditions you'd rather not do? Some may just be too painful. It may make sense to try something new.
• Do you want to celebrate in the same place? For instance, it might be better to travel this season instead of staying home.
• Who are the people you want to be around? Enjoy their company when they invite you for a visit.
• Can you handle an all-day celebration? Be flexible with yourself and let the host know you may only stay for a short while.

Those grieving also should recognize that often how one anticipates an event, especially one they believe may be stressful, almost always is worse than how it actually turns out. In addition, in many ways, a holiday is just like any other day in that it only lasts 24 hours.

“You will turn the page on the calendar,” said Robin F. Goodman, PhD, assistant director of public education and bereavement at Child HELP Partnershipopens in new window at St. John's University and the former executive director of A Caring Hand, a non-profit dedicated to helping grieving children, teens, and caregivers. “If nothing else, you'll have some relief on getting through the holiday, and knowing what worked, and what didn’t work.”

One also should expect to experience a range of emotions.

“The central task at the holidays for the bereaved person is to hold two realities simultaneously,” Rando said. “They acknowledge the loss of the person who's not here that they want to be here, and acknowledge the presence of the people who are still here that they want to be connected to.”

This is why psychologists say that it’s key to find a way to include the memory of the lost in the celebration.

“Hopefully the grieving person will be given permission to talk about Mom during the holidays. It's important to hear Mom's name, or how every year she would burn those turnips,” Rando said. “This is the way we include people who have died and have continued connections with them. It's not true when you lose people in your life that you don’t continue to have them in your heart and mind.”

Some may remember their loved one by donating to a cause that the person cared about, lighting a candle, making a loved one's favorite dish, or mentioning their name in prayer. But others have devised more distinctive individual methods. For example:

• Skydiving, hot-air ballooning, mountain climbing, or another activity the deceased enjoyed or always wanted to do.
• Gathering notes and stories about the deceased and putting them in a stocking or box to read aloud at the end of the night.
• Creating a table centerpiece with a photo or items the deceased found meaningful.
• Visiting the grave and pouring out a toast.
• Giving gifts in honor of the deceased—perhaps something that belonged to them.
• Making a pillow or craft from something that belonged to the loved one.
• Continuing a tradition, especially one that children may have shared with the loved one.

“I think what's most important is that people make it meaningful to them and make it personal,” Goodman said.