As teens develop, they naturally begin to pull away from their parents. That does not mean a parent’s job as support staff is done. Parents continue to be an important source of practical, or “instrumental,” support (driving teens where they need to go) as well as emotional support (offering a sympathetic ear at the end of a bad day). “Adolescents very much need those different dimensions of support from their parents,” McCabe said. The catch, she added, is that many adolescents would never admit it. “They might argue and debate with everything their parent says but still very much rely on them to empathize with what they’re going through,” she said.
Indeed, while peer support is important, it does not replace the role of caring adults, said Lisa Damour, PhD, a clinical psychologist specializing in teens and senior adviser to the Schubert Center for Child Studies at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio. “The single most powerful force for adolescent mental health is strong relationships with caring adults. A relationship with a great adult is like the fluoride in the water of adolescent mental health care,” she said.
As children mature, though, what they need from parents begins to look different. Parents, for instance, often go into problem-solving mode if their teen is struggling. But the child may be seeking validation. That disconnect might explain why most parents think their teens are getting plenty of support, while their children say otherwise. Experts recommend a less-is-more approach to conversations. For instance, instead of urging your child to email their teacher if they think they received an unfair grade—or calling the teacher yourself to complain—it might be more effective to say, “That sounds really frustrating. How do you think you’ll handle it?” “As parents our instinct is often to jump in with advice, but it’s very rare that that’s what teens are looking for—and that’s not necessarily what’s going to invite them to keep bringing their concerns our way,” Damour said.
“When adults envision connecting with a teenager, they often picture a conversation where the teenager bares their soul and the adult says helpful things, and then everybody hugs,” Damour added. But teenagers are more likely to feel connected when watching a TV show with their parent or sharing an interest in what is playing on the car radio. “Teenagers often feel supported not through a conversation but through our steady presence. It’s about being around and available,” she said.
[Related: How to help children and teens manage their stress]
Teachers, coaches, and other nonfamily mentors also play an important role in supporting youth. Adolescents who have supportive non-parental adults in their lives have been found to have higher levels of academic functioning, better self-esteem, fewer behavioral problems, and lower rates of mental health problems and substance use, as described in a review by Emma Sterrett-Hong, PhD, now an associate professor at the University of Louisville (American Journal of Community Psychology, Vol. 48, No. 3–4, 2011opens in new window).
Psychologists are among those working to boost connections between teens and adult mentors. One such intervention is Relationship Mapping, a new tool developed by Richard Weissbourd, PhD, a psychologist who directs the Making Caring Common Project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. Relationship Mapping charts the relationships between students and staff, helping to identify which students do not have positive connections with any adults in the school community—a critical first step to reach youth most at risk of falling through the cracks. After a small pilot last school year, Weissbourd and his colleagues are now implementing the tool in a larger sample of U.S. schools and collecting data about its outcomes.
Such programs can do a lot to help kids get the support they need. But in addition to new ideas and interventions, communities should not forget the importance of old-fashioned investments in schools, teacher training programs, and extracurricular activities, Damour said. “We need to be very cautious about cutting arts programming or after-school programming,” she added. “So many teenagers are saved by their drama teacher.”
Meanwhile, parents and practitioners can continue to help kids develop the social-emotional skills they need to nurture supportive relationships. One way adults can help, Damour said, is by being clear with young people about the kinds of concerns that are too big for kids to tackle on their own, including worries about eating disorders, self-harm, or other serious behaviors. “Kids turn to one another often for support, and they are incredibly good at caring for one another. But sometimes they are so attentive that they try to help friends with challenges that really need to be addressed by adults with professional training,” she said.
Parents and practitioners alike can also help children practice a skill that is hard at any age: asking for support. “Most adolescents struggle with being assertive and asking for what they need. We can help them articulate what they feel they’re missing, and practice how to ask for it: Is it feeling understood or validated? A sense of belonging at school? Guidance or advice?” McCabe said. “Social support isn’t one-size-fits-all.”
